Where to begin.....

Starting at the beginning of this journey, is not something I feel I can face right now...But I will give a little back story to get us to where we are today....

At 6 years old, I remember my mom asking me what I wanted to be when I grew up...without hesitation I said to her I want to be a mommy so that I can be just like you. Little did I know that dream would be a long shot for me. I think even " a long shot" is an understatement to the way I feel. At some point I said I wanted to be a nurse...but the only thing near and dear to my heart was being a mommy. All of my friends were having babies...my family...having babies....but I seem to have nothing but heartache month after month... I remember bawling my eyeballs out on the day I started every month. Asking God why, what did I do wrong. People asking us when we were going to have kids....I dont think unless you have been thru this or close to someone while they are going thru it, that people TRULY understand what it is to have to answer that question. No one really sees the hurt as your trying to play it off like oh well we are just gonna wait..we arent ready yet....blah blah blah...when my heart is screaming inside do you really believe what I am telling you.....anyway getting to today...I have had 10 miscarriages. The latest one being this past thursday. How is that for luck.....We were able to relish in being pregnant for a whole 6 days. We took the test on Friday...confirmed on Monday, ER wednesday, miscarriage on Thursday....REALLY! REALLY! Is this really happening to me. I was finally happy with my life. We have 7 boys in our life, in and out of our home and we were FINALLY content with this being the way our life was. Now dont get me wrong, I have ALWAYS had children in and out of my life. Children that could always be snatched back at any moment and snatched from my life completely. Do you know how many times I have had my heart ripped out that way......more times than I care to remember. I was finally ok....I hadn't been pregnant in 2 and a half almost 3 years....and then when I am finally coming to terms with not being a mommy....with only being an Auntie or a Nanny.... what happens..... I get pregnant. Now mind you I have been telling myself for almost a year that I would be perfectly content if this was all I was ever meant to be. That I could let go of having a child of my own. I had gotten pretty good at believing it too....that is until Friday, October 31, 2011 @around 9am....when I got a postive pregnancy test! All those thoughts were down the drain.... I went from excited, nervous to scared to death. There was no way that I could be pregnant. REALLY!  I had been to the gym, busted my butt, drank a gallon of water, and peed a million times if once.....and it was still positive.....REALLY! So we did another test on Saturday morning....first thing....still positive....Sunday morning same thing.,...same results. Monday morning,...AGAIN! Then off to the Health Department we went. Even the lady at the health department had to do 2 tests because the line was so faint....she said your barely pregnant....at the time Shane was like Either your pregnant... or your not...there is  no just barely pregnant....my theory in hindsight is that I was already headed toward miscarriage....but I dont know that for sure. Some days I wish I had just talked Shane out of taking the test for a few more days and we would have never known. Never gotten our hopes up....but then again I wouldn't have been able to see the doctor to get some things checked out. Fast Forward to today.....in what should have been one of the happiest moments of our lives, on the day we should have been listening to the sounds or our babies heartbeat for the first time....we were listening to possible reasons for our miscarriage this time!  But at that appointment we were also given a small ray of sunshine. Everything I had ever been told about Endometriosis and PCOS being the cause of my miscarriages was absolutely disagreed with him.....he said those thing would stop me from getting pregnant, not maintaining the pregnancy....His "educated guess" is that my uncontrolled diabetes has been the culprit of most if not all of my miscarriages....Considering every time I checked it last week it was over 200, I think I might be inclined to agree with him. But he is going to run some test in a month to see if there is anything else going on in my body that would have, could have caused it. He put me on medication for my diabetes, and so now we wait, we try to heal and we let my body heal. We run the tests, see what they show and hopefully try again. IN the meantime, I am also going to try to cleanse my mind, body, soul, and spirit. I am going to try to keep this blog up....we will see...some days are better than others....today was a good and a bad day....Just an FYI....it is very hard to go into an OB/GYN office for an appointment about a miscarriage and hear people talking about hearing a heartbeat or seeing an ultrasound! IT SUCKS! Well this has gotten pretty long so I am going to end it here and go to bed......Going to try and look forward not back from here on out....I read a quote the other day that said something to the fact....you will never get to the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the previous ones. So I am going to do my best to allow this journey to start fresh from here. I am very blessed and thankful for what I have..... This fact has not escaped me.....This past week has shaken me to my very core....and although if you dont know me you wouldnt really know that....I can promise you that it has!