a week....

Last night marked a week that we were sitting in the Emergency room hoping for the best yet dreading the worst. We were hoping to see our baby's first heartbeat but instead were met by an empty womb. The technician said that really didn't mean anything to wait until we got the results of the blood work back.. in my heart I knew it was over, that our precious little pumpkin wasn't ever going to be in our arms. Our sweet little baby that we were so excited about would only ever live in our hearts. Sure enough the tests confirmed it. My Hcg levels were low...but the doctor told us that maybe there was still hope....me knowing better, let myself cling to that hope....it didn't last very long.. A week ago tonight I started cramping and heavily bleeding. My heart wanted to stop beating to. This whole week since has shaken me beyond belief. Some moments I am fine and I think I will be ok. Others not so much! I see a post on facebook about someone holding their baby or a picture of them holding them and I swear I just want to drown. Its the only thing I have ever wanted to be. I see a picture of an ultrasound and I want to be happy for my friends but there is this small amount of anger over what makes them better than me. What makes them get to have this miracle. Then I am quietly ever so slightly reminded that it is not my decision but God's. My sister once told her daughter that there was a reason God had not given me children. That maybe he didn't trust me with them. I will never forget how much that statement hurt. To this day it still haunts me. but I don't believe it, at least I don't think I do. I have been blessed to be a part of other children's lives, to give them food, shelter, nurturing and love. But only at someone else's convenience. It never ceases to amaze me that people can give their children stability with someone else and just when they are settled and doing well they snatch them away from those people that love them OH SO MUCH! Only to put them back in an environment that is completely crazy. It doesn't really hurt the parents, it hurts the children and the people who love them. But those people get to be parents every single day. I don't understand how I have been so close to adoption three times only to have snatched out of my grasp. We have often said that maybe it was just our lot in life to love children for a little while and let them see that there was good in the world and that love really did work out in the end....but if that is the case....why are we allowed to still get pregnant and then get our hopes up only to be crushed again and again. I know I am rambling tonight. I have tried for the last 3 hours to get myself to write this blog...I have thought and thought about what I wanted to say....I just didn't know. It's hard to believe that it has been a week since we faced this loss... but then again tomorrow will be 2 weeks ago that we first had the sight of hope. It is unimaginable that you can love something so much in such a short time. without ever seeing it, touching it, holding it. How does that happen. Something that never came to be can be such a strong part of me. Even though you eyes never saw the world....I know you were there, even though your little lungs never breathed the air, you breathed new life into your mommy. Even though your hand never held ours, we will never forget. Even though your heart stopped beating, you will always live in mine! I loved you from before I knew you existed, and I love you still now that your gone. Tomorrow is a new day pumpkin. I will see you soon..but until I do I have to live this life. No matter how hard it is I know I have to keep going. One foot in front of the other and one step at a time. You my dear were just too beautiful for this earth!

I have to get thru this weekend. I have 3 weddings to help with. I have to get busy. I need to get some things back on track. I need to stop crying at the drop of a hat. I need to get my head back on straight. I have a husband that loves me and 7 boys that need me in their life. I am sure not as much as I need them in mine. They are what gets me thru the days. Giving up is not an option, although it has weighed heavy on my mind. I am going to try to get some things accomplished this weekend. and into next week. 

On a happier note...my blood sugar has been under 160 all day. For that today I will be thankful!!!