Exhausted...

I havent written in a few days...and honestly contemplated just letting it go and not writing anymore....I war with myself all the time on what I want to write in this particular blog...My heart still hearts but I have written about it  a lot...so what do I do just keep saying it over and over again... This weekend was sooooooooooooo busy... Friday night I second shot a gorgeous wedding with Natalie Norris Photography. It was good to get my mind off of things and just be behind my camera for a little while with little to no thought about my life... just capturing someone elses memories. Then on Saturday, I got to see people I havent seen in years....second shooting a wedding with Manda Koolis of Mandolin Productions. I was ok for most of the day until right before the wedding I was in the bridal room with the mother of the bride, the bride, matron of honor and the bridesmaids as well as the other 2 photographers, and they started talking about babies and having them and how sweet they were....I couldnt handle it...I think if I had stayed in that room for one more second even, I would have lost it. They have their whole lives ahead of them, and they are sooo in love it just shows. They are young but I think they would make amazing parents. Then one of the bridesmaids had a new baby just a few months old and everyone wanted to pass him around and look at him and play with him... it would have been so sweet to watch if it hadnt heart my heart so much. The same thing on sunday....there were little kids everywhere the closer it got to the wedding and this one little boy just stole my heart. He couldnt have been more than a year old....still a little wobbly when he walked...but he had the most beautiful big brown eyes and the most precious smile....it just tugged at my heart. I honestly thought this whole longing to be a mother was done...yeah it came back and kicked me in the teeth hard core. It is really hard for me to be happy for other people when that is the only thing I have ever wanted. I am working on it....I just dont understand it. Normally I love what I do...I really do! but lately I find myself just wanting to sleep. I cant seem to sleep at night...I toss and turn and lately I have been having these really weird dreams from outta nowhere that really dont even make sense. Today I was so tired...even thought I went to sleep before 930 and didnt wake up until 6 and was still exhausted....and so I went and laid down about 930 this morning and was only going to sleep for an hour....yeah, I woke up at 2 oclock.. What is that....and honestly I think I could have went right back to bed and slept for another day or 3. But the boys need me to be present. In mind, body and soul..... I am so thankful for having all of our boys in our life. I dont know if I could bring myself out of this dark hole I seem to be slipping into. I cant seem to concentrate, or focus. I have so much that needs to be done....but the only thing that I am really "PRESENT" for is the boys, and Shane, and photographs. I just feel like I need to capture memories for other people....We are never promised tomorrow....So i need to live for what I have today. God please help me to do this. I know I cant do it on my own. Today I am very thankful for my husband.....without him my life would be imcomplete! He is my ROCK!