Useless

Today was a good day for the most part....I have this headache that wont seem to quit...and I feel so drained. Which is really sad considering what I did today.... Natalie picked me up this morning and took me to Bella Vita Medical and Day Spa for a hot stone massage and had my eyebrows waxed, and then took me to Danielles house to have my hair trimmed, and then bought me lunch... I came home and ate my lunch and started a load of laundry. When Shane got home from the gym we went and laid down and fell asleep for the next 2 and a half hours. Picked up the boys, took them to Mom and Dad's and they played football with T, and B while Shane did some trimming in the back yard. All I had the energy to do was watch. Came home and I helped the boys with homework, and we ate dinner, got them to bed and I caught up on some emails....I am completely exhausted...not to mention this headache that just wont quit. It is honestly driving me CRAZY! The scary part of that was Kheti came to me tonight and was talking to me and I couldnt focus on him at all.... as in, all I could see was his shadow....that was really freaking me out....Do you know how hard it is to keep your composure when you know there is something going on but you dont want to scare a child? Yeah...it sucks! So when he got done talking to me, I sat down and my head was throbbing....My blood sugars have been out of whack today....its like the more I check them like I am supposed to the worse I realize they are. It has been over 200 twice today. Shane keeps reminding me that Rome wasnt built in a day and that I have to keep trying. I dont know what I would do without him. But between the headaches and the vision thing and just overall not having any energy at all...Today was one of those days that I had to remind myself that I was not defeated! As for right this moment I am proud of myself... I promised myself I would blog and I did....Still havent brought myself to throw away the positive pregnancy tests that lay waiting on the shelf in the bathroom. I have picked them up daily, but just cant bring myself to let them go yet. I know that I should and I should be starting to let go and move on...but I am just not there yet. I dont even know what they symbolize to me or what it is exactly that I am hanging on to...Even right now writing this...I feel completely dumb...I should be able to let it go...For some reason this miscarriage seems to be the hardest on me emotionally. I dont know if it is because I had finally given up and then got pregnant again or if its because now I feel like I have been the one to cause them. Because of me and not wanting to take the medicine and wanting to eat whatever I wanted to and only choosing to check my blood sugar when I was feeling bad. I feel like I have this huge weight on my shoulders....like I did this to my babies...but I swear it was not intentional. I know that I will get thru this...but today is one of those days that I feel like I carry the weight of the world on my shoulders and I am not exactly sure what to do with it. So on that note, I think I am going to take this headache to bed and get up and try again tomorrow. I have quite a few things to accomplish tomorrow... I need to get my head back on track and refocus on my life....I have a busy weekend coming up! I have people that need me....even when I feel useless. That is exactly what I feel....it just hit me like a ton of bricks....I feel useless.