Exhausted...

I havent written in a few days...and honestly contemplated just letting it go and not writing anymore....I war with myself all the time on what I want to write in this particular blog...My heart still hearts but I have written about it  a lot...so what do I do just keep saying it over and over again... This weekend was sooooooooooooo busy... Friday night I second shot a gorgeous wedding with Natalie Norris Photography. It was good to get my mind off of things and just be behind my camera for a little while with little to no thought about my life... just capturing someone elses memories. Then on Saturday, I got to see people I havent seen in years....second shooting a wedding with Manda Koolis of Mandolin Productions. I was ok for most of the day until right before the wedding I was in the bridal room with the mother of the bride, the bride, matron of honor and the bridesmaids as well as the other 2 photographers, and they started talking about babies and having them and how sweet they were....I couldnt handle it...I think if I had stayed in that room for one more second even, I would have lost it. They have their whole lives ahead of them, and they are sooo in love it just shows. They are young but I think they would make amazing parents. Then one of the bridesmaids had a new baby just a few months old and everyone wanted to pass him around and look at him and play with him... it would have been so sweet to watch if it hadnt heart my heart so much. The same thing on sunday....there were little kids everywhere the closer it got to the wedding and this one little boy just stole my heart. He couldnt have been more than a year old....still a little wobbly when he walked...but he had the most beautiful big brown eyes and the most precious smile....it just tugged at my heart. I honestly thought this whole longing to be a mother was done...yeah it came back and kicked me in the teeth hard core. It is really hard for me to be happy for other people when that is the only thing I have ever wanted. I am working on it....I just dont understand it. Normally I love what I do...I really do! but lately I find myself just wanting to sleep. I cant seem to sleep at night...I toss and turn and lately I have been having these really weird dreams from outta nowhere that really dont even make sense. Today I was so tired...even thought I went to sleep before 930 and didnt wake up until 6 and was still exhausted....and so I went and laid down about 930 this morning and was only going to sleep for an hour....yeah, I woke up at 2 oclock.. What is that....and honestly I think I could have went right back to bed and slept for another day or 3. But the boys need me to be present. In mind, body and soul..... I am so thankful for having all of our boys in our life. I dont know if I could bring myself out of this dark hole I seem to be slipping into. I cant seem to concentrate, or focus. I have so much that needs to be done....but the only thing that I am really "PRESENT" for is the boys, and Shane, and photographs. I just feel like I need to capture memories for other people....We are never promised tomorrow....So i need to live for what I have today. God please help me to do this. I know I cant do it on my own. Today I am very thankful for my husband.....without him my life would be imcomplete! He is my ROCK!

a week....

Last night marked a week that we were sitting in the Emergency room hoping for the best yet dreading the worst. We were hoping to see our baby's first heartbeat but instead were met by an empty womb. The technician said that really didn't mean anything to wait until we got the results of the blood work back.. in my heart I knew it was over, that our precious little pumpkin wasn't ever going to be in our arms. Our sweet little baby that we were so excited about would only ever live in our hearts. Sure enough the tests confirmed it. My Hcg levels were low...but the doctor told us that maybe there was still hope....me knowing better, let myself cling to that hope....it didn't last very long.. A week ago tonight I started cramping and heavily bleeding. My heart wanted to stop beating to. This whole week since has shaken me beyond belief. Some moments I am fine and I think I will be ok. Others not so much! I see a post on facebook about someone holding their baby or a picture of them holding them and I swear I just want to drown. Its the only thing I have ever wanted to be. I see a picture of an ultrasound and I want to be happy for my friends but there is this small amount of anger over what makes them better than me. What makes them get to have this miracle. Then I am quietly ever so slightly reminded that it is not my decision but God's. My sister once told her daughter that there was a reason God had not given me children. That maybe he didn't trust me with them. I will never forget how much that statement hurt. To this day it still haunts me. but I don't believe it, at least I don't think I do. I have been blessed to be a part of other children's lives, to give them food, shelter, nurturing and love. But only at someone else's convenience. It never ceases to amaze me that people can give their children stability with someone else and just when they are settled and doing well they snatch them away from those people that love them OH SO MUCH! Only to put them back in an environment that is completely crazy. It doesn't really hurt the parents, it hurts the children and the people who love them. But those people get to be parents every single day. I don't understand how I have been so close to adoption three times only to have snatched out of my grasp. We have often said that maybe it was just our lot in life to love children for a little while and let them see that there was good in the world and that love really did work out in the end....but if that is the case....why are we allowed to still get pregnant and then get our hopes up only to be crushed again and again. I know I am rambling tonight. I have tried for the last 3 hours to get myself to write this blog...I have thought and thought about what I wanted to say....I just didn't know. It's hard to believe that it has been a week since we faced this loss... but then again tomorrow will be 2 weeks ago that we first had the sight of hope. It is unimaginable that you can love something so much in such a short time. without ever seeing it, touching it, holding it. How does that happen. Something that never came to be can be such a strong part of me. Even though you eyes never saw the world....I know you were there, even though your little lungs never breathed the air, you breathed new life into your mommy. Even though your hand never held ours, we will never forget. Even though your heart stopped beating, you will always live in mine! I loved you from before I knew you existed, and I love you still now that your gone. Tomorrow is a new day pumpkin. I will see you soon..but until I do I have to live this life. No matter how hard it is I know I have to keep going. One foot in front of the other and one step at a time. You my dear were just too beautiful for this earth!

I have to get thru this weekend. I have 3 weddings to help with. I have to get busy. I need to get some things back on track. I need to stop crying at the drop of a hat. I need to get my head back on straight. I have a husband that loves me and 7 boys that need me in their life. I am sure not as much as I need them in mine. They are what gets me thru the days. Giving up is not an option, although it has weighed heavy on my mind. I am going to try to get some things accomplished this weekend. and into next week. 

On a happier note...my blood sugar has been under 160 all day. For that today I will be thankful!!! 

Useless

Today was a good day for the most part....I have this headache that wont seem to quit...and I feel so drained. Which is really sad considering what I did today.... Natalie picked me up this morning and took me to Bella Vita Medical and Day Spa for a hot stone massage and had my eyebrows waxed, and then took me to Danielles house to have my hair trimmed, and then bought me lunch... I came home and ate my lunch and started a load of laundry. When Shane got home from the gym we went and laid down and fell asleep for the next 2 and a half hours. Picked up the boys, took them to Mom and Dad's and they played football with T, and B while Shane did some trimming in the back yard. All I had the energy to do was watch. Came home and I helped the boys with homework, and we ate dinner, got them to bed and I caught up on some emails....I am completely exhausted...not to mention this headache that just wont quit. It is honestly driving me CRAZY! The scary part of that was Kheti came to me tonight and was talking to me and I couldnt focus on him at all.... as in, all I could see was his shadow....that was really freaking me out....Do you know how hard it is to keep your composure when you know there is something going on but you dont want to scare a child? Yeah...it sucks! So when he got done talking to me, I sat down and my head was throbbing....My blood sugars have been out of whack today....its like the more I check them like I am supposed to the worse I realize they are. It has been over 200 twice today. Shane keeps reminding me that Rome wasnt built in a day and that I have to keep trying. I dont know what I would do without him. But between the headaches and the vision thing and just overall not having any energy at all...Today was one of those days that I had to remind myself that I was not defeated! As for right this moment I am proud of myself... I promised myself I would blog and I did....Still havent brought myself to throw away the positive pregnancy tests that lay waiting on the shelf in the bathroom. I have picked them up daily, but just cant bring myself to let them go yet. I know that I should and I should be starting to let go and move on...but I am just not there yet. I dont even know what they symbolize to me or what it is exactly that I am hanging on to...Even right now writing this...I feel completely dumb...I should be able to let it go...For some reason this miscarriage seems to be the hardest on me emotionally. I dont know if it is because I had finally given up and then got pregnant again or if its because now I feel like I have been the one to cause them. Because of me and not wanting to take the medicine and wanting to eat whatever I wanted to and only choosing to check my blood sugar when I was feeling bad. I feel like I have this huge weight on my shoulders....like I did this to my babies...but I swear it was not intentional. I know that I will get thru this...but today is one of those days that I feel like I carry the weight of the world on my shoulders and I am not exactly sure what to do with it. So on that note, I think I am going to take this headache to bed and get up and try again tomorrow. I have quite a few things to accomplish tomorrow... I need to get my head back on track and refocus on my life....I have a busy weekend coming up! I have people that need me....even when I feel useless. That is exactly what I feel....it just hit me like a ton of bricks....I feel useless.

Where to begin.....

Starting at the beginning of this journey, is not something I feel I can face right now...But I will give a little back story to get us to where we are today....

At 6 years old, I remember my mom asking me what I wanted to be when I grew up...without hesitation I said to her I want to be a mommy so that I can be just like you. Little did I know that dream would be a long shot for me. I think even " a long shot" is an understatement to the way I feel. At some point I said I wanted to be a nurse...but the only thing near and dear to my heart was being a mommy. All of my friends were having babies...my family...having babies....but I seem to have nothing but heartache month after month... I remember bawling my eyeballs out on the day I started every month. Asking God why, what did I do wrong. People asking us when we were going to have kids....I dont think unless you have been thru this or close to someone while they are going thru it, that people TRULY understand what it is to have to answer that question. No one really sees the hurt as your trying to play it off like oh well we are just gonna wait..we arent ready yet....blah blah blah...when my heart is screaming inside do you really believe what I am telling you.....anyway getting to today...I have had 10 miscarriages. The latest one being this past thursday. How is that for luck.....We were able to relish in being pregnant for a whole 6 days. We took the test on Friday...confirmed on Monday, ER wednesday, miscarriage on Thursday....REALLY! REALLY! Is this really happening to me. I was finally happy with my life. We have 7 boys in our life, in and out of our home and we were FINALLY content with this being the way our life was. Now dont get me wrong, I have ALWAYS had children in and out of my life. Children that could always be snatched back at any moment and snatched from my life completely. Do you know how many times I have had my heart ripped out that way......more times than I care to remember. I was finally ok....I hadn't been pregnant in 2 and a half almost 3 years....and then when I am finally coming to terms with not being a mommy....with only being an Auntie or a Nanny.... what happens..... I get pregnant. Now mind you I have been telling myself for almost a year that I would be perfectly content if this was all I was ever meant to be. That I could let go of having a child of my own. I had gotten pretty good at believing it too....that is until Friday, October 31, 2011 @around 9am....when I got a postive pregnancy test! All those thoughts were down the drain.... I went from excited, nervous to scared to death. There was no way that I could be pregnant. REALLY!  I had been to the gym, busted my butt, drank a gallon of water, and peed a million times if once.....and it was still positive.....REALLY! So we did another test on Saturday morning....first thing....still positive....Sunday morning same thing.,...same results. Monday morning,...AGAIN! Then off to the Health Department we went. Even the lady at the health department had to do 2 tests because the line was so faint....she said your barely pregnant....at the time Shane was like Either your pregnant... or your not...there is  no just barely pregnant....my theory in hindsight is that I was already headed toward miscarriage....but I dont know that for sure. Some days I wish I had just talked Shane out of taking the test for a few more days and we would have never known. Never gotten our hopes up....but then again I wouldn't have been able to see the doctor to get some things checked out. Fast Forward to today.....in what should have been one of the happiest moments of our lives, on the day we should have been listening to the sounds or our babies heartbeat for the first time....we were listening to possible reasons for our miscarriage this time!  But at that appointment we were also given a small ray of sunshine. Everything I had ever been told about Endometriosis and PCOS being the cause of my miscarriages was absolutely disagreed with him.....he said those thing would stop me from getting pregnant, not maintaining the pregnancy....His "educated guess" is that my uncontrolled diabetes has been the culprit of most if not all of my miscarriages....Considering every time I checked it last week it was over 200, I think I might be inclined to agree with him. But he is going to run some test in a month to see if there is anything else going on in my body that would have, could have caused it. He put me on medication for my diabetes, and so now we wait, we try to heal and we let my body heal. We run the tests, see what they show and hopefully try again. IN the meantime, I am also going to try to cleanse my mind, body, soul, and spirit. I am going to try to keep this blog up....we will see...some days are better than others....today was a good and a bad day....Just an FYI....it is very hard to go into an OB/GYN office for an appointment about a miscarriage and hear people talking about hearing a heartbeat or seeing an ultrasound! IT SUCKS! Well this has gotten pretty long so I am going to end it here and go to bed......Going to try and look forward not back from here on out....I read a quote the other day that said something to the fact....you will never get to the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the previous ones. So I am going to do my best to allow this journey to start fresh from here. I am very blessed and thankful for what I have..... This fact has not escaped me.....This past week has shaken me to my very core....and although if you dont know me you wouldnt really know that....I can promise you that it has!